Thursday Jul 25

Words Of Wisdom, Graduates!

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First of all I�d like to say congratulations to the 2003 graduates of Jefferson Technical University, central Illinois� third most selective commuter and community college. As the most successful member of the class of �83 and owner of Jill�s Discount Nails and Tanning off Highway J, between the Piggly Wiggly and the Arby�s, it is my honor and privilege to be your commencement speaker on this fine day.

As you ponder what will be your future � bank teller, systems analyst, cable technician, middle manager or even a sales representative � it is important that you dream. And even more important that you listen to my sage-like wisdom.

Ladies, if you don�t have boyfriend, find one immediately. And for those in a relationship, do what you can to get the rock ASAP. It�s difficult to find a man if you have an education and impossible without your youth. Invest all your money in beauty products, tanning and diet pills. Trust me, it�s an investment with the best possible ROI.

Gentlemen, keep your eye on the future. Make as much money as you can as quickly as you can. Invest it all in a fast car. Hot girls like fast cars.

If your estranged son dies in a mysterious field 15 years later, don�t just read about it in the newspapers � send some flowers or money or a card with glitter and seagulls.

If you manage to suffer at a demeaning, coffee-fetching position for at least 5 months, be sure to take plenty of notes for a future tell-all book exposing those assholes at Rent-a-Center.

Be careful where you stick it because it might just fall off.

Do not lick the handrails on the bus, no matter how tasty they may

Always pack a good book and a better gun.

When you have a one-night stand at Darrell�s off the interstate, make sure it�s with a trucker or traveler you won�t run into after that night. You don�t want any awkward moments when you�re getting you eyes checked or eating at the new Italian restaurant. And use as much birth control as you can find � you don�t want to end up with the most dreaded STD � the baby virus.

Take out as many credit cards as you qualify for - after all, you're an adult now and entitled to big-ticket purchases. Don't worry about paying them back, Citibank understands that they�ll get their money eventually. They can�t bill you in hell, but they can bill your unfortunate progeny.

Travel and see the world. As founding father Benjamin Franklin once said, �You haven�t been to France until you sleep with 8 underage girls at once.�

Never buy your drugs on credit, no matter how much the dealer says he trusts you. It�s a good way to guarantee you�ll get hurt.

To everyone else � friends of graduates, family members, court-appointed guardians � this is a celebration. Now let�s all meet in the parking lot to drink wine-flavored Mad Dog 20/20!



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